Day 4 – 2014
“No need to walk if you’ve no where to go.”
Over the last several years (actually for most of my life) I have slowly been losing my ability to walk and stand without assistance. And the eventual progression will be the total loss ambulation in the way nature intended. It is not something I look forward to with any fondness.
The reason this is happening is because my spinal column is over time closing in on the cord and pinching it until the signals that tell my legs to function can no longer reach them. When that happens I either find a place to sit down quickly or simply fall down where I stand. I am experienced with both.
When I was fairly young I remember being able to walk quite a long distance for my short legs until I would start getting a burning sensation that if allowed became a weakness in my legs. But I was dwarfism naive and did not understand the physiology involved in what was happening. Now I do.
As time progressed I started walking with a cane. If I needed to go very far I needed a mobility scooter. And now my cane is being phased out for a walker. Then someday it will be retired and I will resign myself to using a power chair for even the shortest of distances. Fate can be cruel; but even the more so when you know what is coming.
Sometimes I think what is the worst thing that could happen to a person. The loss of sight would be difficult for me to accept. I already experience hearing loss and there isn’t that much I care to listen to anyway. But will happen when the day comes I can no longer get out of my chair and simply walk into the other room without the burden of mechanical assistance? How much of life’s value will be lost?
Something else has happened over the last several years. Never before have I considered a scale of value for life. There simply was nothing to make comparison against. But now with each phase of change I find myself thinking “what if”. And in some arbitrary way, assigning the answer a number on a scale. What do those numbers represent?
I don’t know yet. But maybe right now it is better that way.