Day 10 -2014
“Starting over is never an option.”
“Starting over is never an option.”
“Set your expectations low and you will never meet disappointment.”
I am not one to give much thought of how others feel about me. I try to live a life of actions which are not impairments to anyone around me. And I would expect the same courtesy in return. Often though I find that not to be the case; but that too is what I expect.
There is never a short line when it comes to having someone explain to me exactly what it is I am doing wrong and exactly what corrections are needed for me to be doing it right. While I appreciate the concern and even admire the effort, the truth remains; “Thanks but I think I can take it from here.”
I was and still am interested in experimenting with cannabis as a pain management agent. Thus when Illinois opted to offer it medicinally I had hopes I could enter into the program. This week my hopes were set aback when it was announced there would be a delay of at least a year before the program would begin. A year out of a four year program that was approved almost a year ago. I think you get the picture.
That in itself is disappointing. But I expect to be disappointed. Now I am making a decision that I am sure many of my friends and associates with be quick to point out is “bad”, “wrong”, “disappointing” and “troubling”. But I expect that. And so in that I am not disappointed. My expectations will have been met.
Without finding out I will never know. And I need to know.
“Yesterday I thought today would be better tomorrow.”
I usually awake about the same time every morning. The bedside clock tells me it is 5:00 am and time to get up. It is at that point I make a quick assessment as to whether this day is starting any better than the day before. And it has been my experience that so far it hasn’t.
It hurts when I get out of bed. It hurts physically and emotionally. It hurts when I put my feet on the floor. The pain that I feel in a body that is degenerating and the pain that I feel in a mind that day by day no longer wants to hurt. It hurts when I begin a new day.
Every morning I rise out of bed, standing there assisted by a walker that has become my companion in only recent times. I question my endurance as I know I will have to move forward or I will not move at all. I lie to myself in saying someday it will be better; long ago I stopped believing that.
It is nightfall. The sun may rise in the east tomorrow. And once more I may awake. And once more it will not be better. But I will lie to myself… once more.
“I used to have this dream where I couldn’t go fast enough.”
Because of the weather I have been stuck inside my apartment building for the last week or so. It doesn’t matter so much though because the truth is I have no where to go — and I am going there fast.
My routine seldom varies from day to day. I get up in the morning about the same time, I do what needs to be done. Then I do what ever else needs being done during the day. At the end of the day I go to bed. And if I wake it begins again.
There was a time, a long time ago, time moved more slowly. Days lasted longer and the weeks took their time changing to months. A year was an eternity. That time is gone. One week of this new year has past and will never return. Where it went I cannot say.
I don’t like being stuck inside. I don’t like being stuck inside my apartment. I don’t like being stuck inside my body. I don’t like being stuck inside myself. While time rapidly passes by, like my dream I can’t go fast enough. Fast enough to break the bonds that hold me against my will. I’m too slow to get away from the heaviness. Too slow to be set free.
“If it hurts when you do that then stop doing that.”
There are things people say the really should be left unsaid. One such of these things are the words, “I know how you feel”. Usually uttered by some well meaning soul as a way of being empathetic, the only true response is, “No you don’t”.
You don’t know how I feel. Or what I feel. Or when I feel it. Oh, I guess the sentiment is there. And I should at the least acknowledge that much with a simple nod of appreciation. But I don’t want to nod. I don’t want to show some faux pas act of imaginary gratitude. You don’t know how I feel and I don’t care.
I don’t feel good. Now, do you really know how I feel?
“I was stoned in the 70′s — I think.”
Anyone who knows me knows I am an advocate for the full legalization of cannabis and it’s non-intoxicating cousin, hemp.
In a recent family gathering I was informed that my Facebook postings seemed to be little more than showing my desire that cannabis was no longer an illegal (under most state and federal laws) substance for consumption by those adults who choose to consume it. While I am pleased this person took notice of my “op-ed” status updates which I offer freely from time to time, I believe it to be a bit of hyperbole to say that is the only use for the page. I do also on occasion post pictures of my two cats.
For those of you who just came out from under a rock, the use of cannabis (I prefer this term over “marijuana” since the latter is a derogatory term of Mexican Spanish origin) as a medicinal and mood enhancing substance has been documented as far back as 3000 BC. In terms of history that’s a long time ago.
It has only been in more recent times that possession and use of the plant has been outlawed. The reasoning for criminalizing the plant, especially within the borders of the United States, is shady at best and downright without defense at its core. For a good historical overview I recommend this read: “Why Is Marijuana Illegal?”.
Why am I in favor of the complete legalization of cannabis:
To date, over 20,000 studies have been done examining in depth the cannabis plant. Many of these were performed by the very government which seeks to continue a failed “war” that has cost over a trillion dollars and ruined countless young lives over the ingestion of a mostly harmless, and even study to be shown to be helpful, plant. Using tactics of scare-mongering and shows brute of authority, cannabis has been vilified for the sole purpose of controlling a subset of the population in a highly biased manner.
Whether you believe cannabis is evil or whether you partake is your business… don’t make it someone else’s.
“No need to walk if you’ve no where to go.”
Over the last several years (actually for most of my life) I have slowly been losing my ability to walk and stand without assistance. And the eventual progression will be the total loss ambulation in the way nature intended. It is not something I look forward to with any fondness.
The reason this is happening is because my spinal column is over time closing in on the cord and pinching it until the signals that tell my legs to function can no longer reach them. When that happens I either find a place to sit down quickly or simply fall down where I stand. I am experienced with both.
When I was fairly young I remember being able to walk quite a long distance for my short legs until I would start getting a burning sensation that if allowed became a weakness in my legs. But I was dwarfism naive and did not understand the physiology involved in what was happening. Now I do.
As time progressed I started walking with a cane. If I needed to go very far I needed a mobility scooter. And now my cane is being phased out for a walker. Then someday it will be retired and I will resign myself to using a power chair for even the shortest of distances. Fate can be cruel; but even the more so when you know what is coming.
Sometimes I think what is the worst thing that could happen to a person. The loss of sight would be difficult for me to accept. I already experience hearing loss and there isn’t that much I care to listen to anyway. But will happen when the day comes I can no longer get out of my chair and simply walk into the other room without the burden of mechanical assistance? How much of life’s value will be lost?
Something else has happened over the last several years. Never before have I considered a scale of value for life. There simply was nothing to make comparison against. But now with each phase of change I find myself thinking “what if”. And in some arbitrary way, assigning the answer a number on a scale. What do those numbers represent?
I don’t know yet. But maybe right now it is better that way.
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